Sunday, March 26, 2006

Don't hold your breaths for this one

The ten key qualities to being a sultry singer:

1. You should either dye your hair a dark blonde or get highlights. Your hair should be either long and straight or long and wavy or short and wavy, but never short and straight. Whatever. The secret is in the hair color. It should not be your real hair color. (Note that Jennifer Lopez wasn't a sultry singer until she got highlights.)
2. You should show a whole lot of leg.
3. You should show a whole lot of shoulders. Better if you can pretend that a teensy weensy strap has fallen off a shoulder and then pretend that you didn't know it.
4. You should have a french manicure.
5. You should have a cleavage.
6. You should be able to contort yourself into ridiculous poses that forbid you to breatahe during photo ops and make it look as if you were feeling very very comfortable, as comfortable as if you were all sprawled over a soft, pillow-covered bed after breakfast on a lazy Sunday morning while dressed in your favorite ratty pajamas and wearing no makeup and with no one else to see you except your cat.
7. You should be either unattached, or be in a long-term relationship but be able to declare openly that in that long-term relationship you call the shots and you have absolutely no plans to ever have children from this long-term relationship or any other long-term relationships that could come next. You could also be divorced and a mother, which will place you above all the other sultry singers because you have won the battle over stretch marks, sagging breasts, untoned skin, and motherly bearing.
8. You should spend your weekends in Boracay.
9. You should wear a whole lot of glittery waist chains.
10. And oh, yes, you should let out more breathing than voice.

2 Comments:

Anonymous marky said...

nothing more apalling than having to hear three grade-c, washed-up bitches trying to sing. isnt it iritating to hear vina like she's always faking an orgasm?

10:21 AM  
Blogger laitera said...

gawd. tell me abaout it.

8:32 PM  

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